Whether you are looking for a one night stand, a potential partner or to increase harmony within your current relationship, The Body Language of Love will help you to identify and correct the body language that could be letting you down. This book covers essential tips on relationships and love, including:
Understanding the mating game
The art of flirting and courtship signals
Speed-dating, first dates, parties, internet dating and other suicide missions
For better or worse - the secrets of successful relationships
Allan Pease is the world's foremost expert on body language and relationships. His acclaimed book The Definitive Book of Body Language has sold over 5 million copies, while his TV series had over 100 million viewers worldwide. He travels the world lecturing on human communication.
Barbara Pease is CEO of Pease International, which produces videos, training courses and seminars for businesses and governments worldwide. She is co-author of several bestselling books including, Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, which has sold 12 million copies worldwide. Their books were the subject of their first #1 movie hit, Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Park Cars.
The Body Language of Love
Harper Collins Australia
Authors: Allan and Barbara Pease
Question: Can you tell us a little bit about The Body Language of Love?
Allan and Barbara Pease: The Body Language of Love is a hybrid between the relationship book series (Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps) and the Body Language (The Definitive Book of Body Language) series. I call this a quick fix book, it's not a 400 page book (which is what our major books are) but a book you can open at any page and it will give you tips as to what to look for to find out if somebody is interested in you or not interested in you. The book also contains things that you can do to test the waters with someone.
Question: What are your thoughts on speed-dating and internet dating?
Allan and Barbara Pease: They're different in terms of what they can achieve. Speed dating has the advantage that most of the time you are face-to-face and you have around three minutes to tell your story and one of the things we have found with speed dating is that when somebody is opposite you, telling you their story, you don't often hear much of what they're saying because you're taking in the person, trying to work out if you have chemistry with them. The advantages of speed dating is that you can work out, pretty quickly, if you have a chemical connection with the person because if you don't have a chemical connection with the person, even if everything else is very good, it means in the long term you'll feel a sense of lack. That sense of lack will come out when you meet other people in your life that you do have a chemical reaction with. The down side of speed dating is that people lie! We all lie by raising our good points and suppressing our bad points because we want to show ourselves in the best possible light.
2% of all marriages now come from online dating, that's 1 in 50! If you look at online dating often sites will match you to potential partners who have mutual core values and beliefs because mutual core values and beliefs are things that keep couples together, in the long term. Dating sites can match mutual values and core beliefs but they cannot match chemistry; your values and beliefs may be the same but there may be no chemistry. If somebody doesn't chemically react with you, while you'll tolerate it to begin with, in the long term it can become a real issue because you will meet people that do chemically react with you and that is where it becomes complicated.
The first three to nine months of a relationship is driven entirely by hormones and that's where you'll see a couple who are crazy in love but you can see that the relationship will never work out, ever. The hormones shut down the frontal lobes which allow you to make rational decisions. Some of the advice in the book about the first three to nine months of a new relationship is to not go into any financial agreements including lending money or buying a house. We conducted blood tests for those in new love, over a two year period and we found that in the first three to nine months of new love your blood is alive with what we call the love hormone where women's testosterone raises dramatically and a guy's oxytocin levels rise which makes him more cuddly and soft. We found that between nine months and two years of the relationship 90% of those love hormones have disappeared.
Question: When you met for the first time, how did body language play a big part?
Allan and Barbara Pease: Yes! Barbara was teaching body language, in the workplace, when I met her at a conference and I told her "I'm going to fix you" and I did! We've been married 21 years (laughing).
Question: Can you provide tips on creating a successful relationship?
Allan and Barbara Pease: The first thing about successful relationships is that they have mutual values and core beliefs, there are five:
Finance: this is the number one thing that new couples never discuss. Finance means if we're staying together how much money will we make and whose money is it? What will we spend it on?
Kids: are we going to have kids if so, how many? How will they be educated and disciplined?
Family: are we going to see our family every week? Will family be invited for dinner? Where do we go for Christmas and Easter? These questions all cause long term pain in relationships!
Sex: how often, when, where?
Spirituality: which could mean religion or what we believe about life in terms of what is true and what is not.
Couples that have good alignments in mutual values and core beliefs are couples who last in the long term. Ideally you should work out your values and core beliefs that you want your partner to match up on.
Whilst opposites attract chemically, they have the highest separation rate because they don't share mutual values and core beliefs.
Question: What do men and women want from their partner, this Valentine's Day?
Allan and Barbara Pease: The difficulty with Valentine's Day or any gift giving romantic holiday is that women tend to give men what a woman wants and vice versa! A woman will give their man a beautiful card or special note and the bottom line is a man doesn't care, he'll think it's cute but what he really wants is you in lingerie. Men give woman what they think is good, I spoke to a guy this morning who is giving his partner a gym membership for Valentine's Day (laughing) - I explained that is exactly like telling your partner "you are fat and horrible"! Unfortunately most guys think that giving a gym membership is a good idea. You can give your partner a gym membership, if you think it's a good idea, but not as a present.
Another guy I spoke to this morning said he'd give his partner 24 long stem roses which is another mistake men make. When men give a present (which isn't very often) he will give something that is really, really big like 24 long stem roses and a woman sees 24 long stem roses as a decoration for a vase, in the house. I suggested that he give his partner one rose with a handwritten note explaining how special she is because women measure how special they're on Valentine's Day by the effort of the present. All this guy was doing was stopping at the petrol station and picking up 24 roses, a non event that doesn't relate to a handwritten note!
I also spoke to someone this morning who said they were buying their partner beautiful lingerie. I said "no don't" because lingerie is a gift for a man, not a woman! If you go to David Jones in January there is a line of women at the lingerie counter lined up to return their Christmas present for something that they can use. Best to buy women lingerie for no reason, not a present.
For women: all a man wants is for you to turn up naked with a six pack! Blokes are pretty basic! Don't give your guy a handwritten note, or tell him you love him for the first time because that will make the relationships change, not usually for the better because the man won't know what to do because he is worried about a bald head, pot belly and a life of eternal monogamy!
Give your partners what they want - not what you think they want!
Interview by Brooke Hunter