It's Not You, It's Me

Q. How do I deal with my boyfriend’s need for space and his inability to assure me that it’s not me but him. I am afraid that when he asks for space, he will not dump me because of my personality traits but because he doesn’t want me to go through the hurt even though I don’t mind as I love him so much.

A. You sound bitterly insecure about this boy. And any relationship based on hurt that only runs one way is not about love but about self-abuse.

Okay, how do you know that he wants to break up at all? My advice to you is to start with that question. Use your own powerful intuition to judge the truth. He may genuinely feel the need for a break at the moment but not necessarily a break-up! Couldn’t you just ask him straight out as you’ve outlined it to me?

It is not his job to reassure you. You need to know your own worth and not be afraid to risk being honest and vulnerable. If you’re right and he’s trying to ease you out painlessly, tell him you’d rather be told this straightout. If not, trust him to come back when he’s ready. You can’t force someone to be honest or tell you what you want to hear. Either you have a real relationship or you don’t. Has it occurred to you that your fear of losing him is causing the very tension that he seeks a break from? Back off a little and don’t focus on getting dumped or hurt. If you really love him, you will think about what he needs whilst looking after your own interests. You sound expectant of being a victim and unfortunately, our expectations often create our lives so try to think more positively.

Body Talk Column is hosted by Charmaine Saunders. www.charmainesaunders.comSend your requests to attention Charmaine.