I hate to sound so desperate, but that appears to be a recurring theme with me over the last 15 months. It's regarding my drug and alcohol use, especially since a painful break up last year. The drug use (marijuana and alcohol) has continued. I have also been contacting my ex again. He barely responds and when he does (text messages), it's brief and impersonal. I have acted like a crazy person. I have called him so many times, drunk and angry, crying and pitiful...I cringe to think about my behaviour over the past year. I wanted him to love me still, (I now wonder if he ever did), but I have made sure I appear as desperate and loopy as possible. I am so ashamed. I feel like the biggest, most desperate loser ever right now. I have just wanted to have him in my life and care for me, as I have not stopped caring for him. I know I can't force it and my actions have tried - to absolutely my detriment and no avail. I want to find a way to truly start healing. Please help. I cannot afford counselling and have nowhere else to turn.
A/ You seem to understand that your behaviour is self-defeating and destructive but can't stop yourself continuing it. If you can't afford counselling then at the very least, pick up a book online or from a library and do some reading about self-esteem, addiction and relationships in general. Wayne Dyer's book, `Pulling your own strings' would be a good start.
Please do something for yourself soon and stop hounding this guy. He clearly doesn't want contact and he's not responsible for your happiness. Needless to say, drugs and alcohol are contributory factors to your negative behaviour so cut down if you can't stop altogether.
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