Husband Downloads Porn



I have been married 25 yrs. Our marriage is generally good, he is still caring & affectionate & we have a good friendship/companionship. A while ago, I accidentally discovered he has been downloading porn for the past 2 years Evidences are removable disks & websites.

The situation is that I mustn't reveal this discovery. Knowing him, our relationship will turn difficult. I know he will turn cold towards me (even sexually) & it will be like all hell will break loose & then I won't be able to tolerate him.

He has explicitly said to me several times last year that at his age (57),sex is no longer important to him - that our love life has 'matured' & wecan just hug each other, not necessarily having sex all the time.Obviously sex IS still important to him, being into porn. I feelbetrayed, cheated etc that he now gets his arousal through porn. Nowadays he's happy just fondling me - that's as far as he wants to go. When I touch himintimately, he removes my hand saying he is tired/sleepy & want to go tosleep. I feel rejected & often turn around & cry to myself.

I do not want to split. By the way, do couples have to split just becausethe spouse is into porn? I tell myself I will stay in the marriage even forthe wrong reason (social & material). I have a lot to lose if I split.

I have been to one counselling session, was told that I should do whateverfeels right for me. I did not get any direction. How do I cope with thisfor the next many years? What 'philosophy' should I form for myself tohelp me carry on? What self-talk do I come up with? Could I bounce offsome of your opinions?
Kay

A. I hate to say it but a lot of guys are into porn.

Whether it's morally wrong or not is out of my province; what I'minterested in is how it affects relationships. I think it's a form oflaziness. After 25 years of marriage, it's a lot easier to get off on pornthan make love to your wife. He might even have erectile problems - have youthought of that?

It's obvious he still loves you but you need to make it clear that you wantmore than just cuddling. You say if you confront him with the truth, he'llturn cold - but isn't he already? What have you got to lose by being honest?

No counsellor can tell you when it's time to leave a marriage and certainlythere are no rules about this. I personally would not advocate staying in amarriage regardless and you sound very unhappy to me. If you won't talk tohim and you won't leave then you're going to have to be very strong inyourself and not rely on him at all for your sexual and emotional wellbeing.It can be done.







Body Talk Column is hosted by Charmaine Saunders. www.charmainesaunders.comSend your requests to femail@femail.com.au attention Charmaine.




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