Most of us hope in our lifetime, to meet someone incredible, fall in love and grow old happily together. While that seems simple enough it can be much more complicated in reality.
Over the last four decades, Dr John Demartini, human behaviour expert, author and international speaker, has worked with thousands of people looking for love – or trying to stay in love – and has some ideas on how to find the right person and make that relationship work.
"I work with a lot of single people trying to find a partner and I can see from the start why it's not working. Often people can't find the type of person they are looking for because they aren't happy with who they are themselves," says Dr Demartini.
'Ultimately we are all searching for someone who is our equal. Someone who we respect rather than someone who we feel is greater, or alternatively, less than us. If you have a 'search image' of someone who is intelligent, motivated, inspired, financially responsible and kind but you are not all those things yourself, you won't attract what you're looking for.
We are our most magnetic when we are empowered and doing what we love."
Demartini suggests empowering yourself in all aspects of your life is one of the key steps to finding the right person. "The relationships I've seen work the best are those where they have a healthy balance of similarities and differences. The Greeks say if you've got more similarities than differences, that's infatuation and if you have more differences than similarities you end up with resent. A balance of support and challenge is what we should all be looking for.
So what if you are already in a relationship? Dr Demartini has worked with thousands of couples who are struggling to retain the same affection they felt when I first got together. "One of the biggest problems I see comes down to the personal values of the individual. Ultimately the best matches come when your top three values help your partner fullfill their top three values and vice versa.
"For example I worked with a very wealthy woman who was dissatisfied with her relationship. She felt her husband was far too dedicated to golf, cars and his business when her values lay with kids family and education. I helped her to understand that his dedication to the business was ultimately all to help her achieve the things that were important to her which were to have the kids in the best schools and to have a beautiful place to raise their family. If it wasn't for her, he would live in an apartment, not a 6000 square foot home. He was trying to earn money to help her get what she wanted in life.
"Once she could see how he was helping to achieve her values and realised she was also helping him to fulfil his too, it was a very different relationship. Instead of being resentful, she realised that not just any man would pay for a human behaviour expert to come and solve their marital woes and that he wasn't being selfish, but actually incredibly kind and supportive. By training them both to communicate in terms of these values, there was a much better understanding and much more harmonious relationship."
Dr Demartini believes that everything in relationships, and life in fact, comes down to values and that we are not actually committed to other people but to how they help us achieve those top values of ours.
"No one is committed making your life amazing every day, you need to do that yourself, and the best way is to find someone who helps you do what makes you happy and you, them. You need to either find that person or re-assess what you've got. You may not realise how good you have it till you frame it terms of your own personal values and happiness."
Dr. John Demartini is a renowned entrepreneur and Human Behaviour Expert, founding The Demartini Institute, authoring 40 books that have been translated into 29 languages, appearing in films including the secret, appearing on Larry King Live, regularly contributing to Oprah Magazine and has previously shared the stage with Donald Trump. He shares an accumulation of 40+ years research on human behaviour.