I can't understand why department stores bother to line their changing room cubicles with mirrors providing the delightful insight into what the back of your bottom really looks like? Why changing room cubicles are lit with exquisite fluorescent lighting, which highlight every chocolate éclair that has passed ones lips and promptly made its home on ones hips?
The only conclusion I can draw is - they were designed by blokes. Blokes who don't get cellulite, PMT or fat days. They also obviously overlooked the concept that a room lit with a warm, fuzzy glow, is far more flattering to the average female figure than a claustrophobic, clinical, harshly lit cubicle. It's simple economics. The more flattered we are, the more of a workout our credit cards get. It started my thinking that if I were Queen for a day, or if women were in control of the world, we could implement some serious changes:
- Public transport would smell like Ambi-Pur Rainforest instead of Domenico's Doner Kebabs.
- McDonalds uniforms would be flattering to girls larger than a size 12.
- Guys would undertake compulsory intensive training in vacuuming, clothes washing, ironing and cleaning the toilet (no, simply flushing is not considered cleaning the toilet).
- Ugh boots and those big, wide, wedge thongs would be outlawed. As would all surviving leotards intended to be worn over leggings at the gym.
- Katie Holmes would be forced to share Chris Klein with all females universally (greedy girl).
- Chantelle Barry would be forced to divulge the circumstances surrounding her departure from Bardot.
- Gordon (from Big Brother) would be required to lose that horrible hair do and admit he WAS cracking onto Jemma (we all SAW you Gordy!), not merely trying to "build a friendship".
- Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson would be banished to a desert island so they can fight all they like and we wouldn't have to read about them in trashy tabloid magazines anymore.
- Michael Bolton and Mariah Carey would be sent to the same island to relieve the general public's eardrums, and to punish Tommy and Pamela.
- Weekends would be 3 days long - each and every Friday would be a (paid) public holiday. The government would subsidise Friday lunches in swanky, sunny locations.
- The government would also subsidise one designer dress per babe, so we all know what it feels like to sashay down the red carpet, be snapped at by paparazzi and coo "its Versace daaarling" to E news reporters.
Should we women get a chance to be in power, what a glamorous, peaceful, relaxing and exciting existence we would lead!
- Rachael Bonetti