Sex after Kids

by Renee Mill, author of No Sweat Parenting

Modern women are depriving themselves of basic pleasures when they have children. Over and over again I hear women confiding to one another that they have no time for themselves let alone for an intimate relationship. It is taken as a given by many that when you have a child, sex, romance and intimacy goes out the window.

Since when did it become mandatory for mothers to become celibate and ascetic? Since when did it become a norm for the marriage relationship to come second to the parent- child bond? When did it become common thinking that by idealising a child, and ignoring a spouse, the child will be better off?At a recent mums and bubs class I asked everyone "how is your love life? The answers I got were:

· "I am so tired that I have no libido".
· "My baby shares our bed so there is no space".
· "We never lock our bedroom door so I am tense as I worry our 4 year old could walk in at any time".
· "Are you joking? With my extra weight and stretch marks I cannot bear to be touched".
· "Our romantic time is over. Now we are in the mature phase which favours companionship over sex".
· "We want to give our children the best start in life so that is our focus".
· "Sex is not the be all and end all of life. There are so many other priorities".

Looking at these young women I felt really sad for them. They are adults with a partner and yet they are not enjoying a physical relationship, something singles long for. Adult hood should be a time of fulfilment and balance and instead, in our generation, parents find themselves exhausted, bored, child focused and drained.

I want you to know, that not only is it possible for parents to have a life, but it is imperative. Reading the answers to the comments below will explain my position on this matter.

· "I am so tired that I have no libido".
So many people believe that they have to have energy to make love. On the contrary, making love supplies energy. It is a bit like exercise. Often you do not feel like going for a run but when you do it anyway, you feel fantastic afterwards. Therefore I encourage you to "just do it" and you will feel relaxed, energised, happy and closer to your partner.

· "My baby shares our bed so there is no space".
That is a great excuse if ever I heard one. Being close physically can happen elsewhere, the bed is not the deal breaker. Having sex in another room can be exciting and inject the relationship with variety. If you are tied to the bed idea, you have the right and ability to put the baby to sleep in its own bed. You are not the victim here.

· "We never lock our bedroom door so I am tense as I worry our 4 year old could walk in at any time".
This 4 year old is not being taught about boundaries, privacy or the need for parents to have their own time and space. If he is not taught, he may never learn these basic concepts which go a long way to promoting happy relationships. By closing the door and teaching a child to knock, parents are helping their child become a respectful and thoughtful adult.

· "Are you joking? With my extra weight and stretch marks I cannot bear to be touched".
While good looks and taut skin may be criteria for attracting a mate in the first instance, there is no indication that it remains so once a strong bond is formed. The longer a couple are together in a loving relationship, the less these factors matter because true intimacy is heart to heart. Therefore, focus on your partner and your emotions rather than your body. This will keep your love for each other alive, and strengthens your bond, which will grant longevity to the relationship. On the other hand, not being intimate will weaken the bond. Lack of closeness, not stretch marks, is what leads to the demise of a relationship. While it is unavoidable that your body will sag with age and child bearing, if your body is really out of shape do something about it rather than just feeling sorry for yourself.

· "Our romantic time is over. Now we are in the mature phase which favours companionship over sex".
Couples of all ages and stages can enjoy romance, sensuality and sexuality. It is a frame of mind rather than a chronological number. In fact, older couples often express that these things get better with time and cannot be substituted for by companionship. If sexuality was an important part of your relationship initially, then it will benefit both of you if you keep the flame alive.

· "We want to give our children the best start in life so that is our focus".
What does this mean exactly? Do you want to give your child the best of everything materially and therefore you have to work extra hard? Or does it mean you need to hover over your child in case anything happens and therefore you have to be available 24/7? Or does that mean you have to sacrifice your life and become totally child centred in an effort to prove to your child how special he is? In my opinion, the best thing you can give your child is a loving home where you and your partner love each other and are together for the duration. Your child will feel secure and happy when he sees the two of you being affectionate and engaging in an adult relationship. Moreover, your intact relationship will enable your child to feel free to become an independent adult because he knows that you are not relying on him for care or companionship.

· "Sex is not the be all and end all of life. There are so many other priorities".
This is a fascinating comment. Tell this to people who do not have access to love and intimacy and see their reaction. Become single and note how you go on the prowl. Question advertisers about why they lace every ad with sexual nuances. They will say empathically that sex is a vital part of adult life Different theorists have described the two basic needs in various ways: love and work; life and death instincts, sex and aggression. Whatever you want to call it, sex is a basic need. Prioritise it.

In sum, as a parent you can offer your children a huge amount when you prioritise the sexual side of your relationship. As long as your child is not neglected, feel free to make time to spend together and to create a private space at home. Your child will learn that love is normal, and should be cherished, and she will seek it in her own life one day. Your healthy relationship will set your child free to develop his sexual feelings in an atmosphere of normalcy. The warmth and good feelings generated by your satisfied sexuality will pervade your home - which is priceless. Your child will feel secure in the knowledge that mum and dad love each other and that home is a safe haven. You will feel good and your relationship will thrive.

Need any more convincing?

Renée Mill has been working with people since 1973, first as an occupational therapist and then as a clinical psychologist. Over the years she has counselled hundreds of families and individuals with a range of problems. Renée continues to work full time in her own private practice in Sydney with her team of associates to deliver effective counselling to parents and children.

No Sweat Parenting is Renee's first book. It can be ordered from Renee's website www.parentchildself.com

No Sweat Parenting was written for parents who are tired. Tired of living up to unrealistic expectations; tired of second-guessing their own authority; tired of making excuses as to why they can't play games; tired of pretending that their responsibilities and wants don't exist; and tired of buying stuff.

Parenting has become exhausting. Yet, it need not be.

In No Sweat Parenting, Renee Mill challenges the following 6 beliefs:
1. I must be the perfect parent.
2. If I am firm my child will have low self-esteem.
3. Quality time means playing with my child.
4. Parenting and adult life have to be conducted separately.
5. Material benefits bring happiness.
6. I must do everything for my child so that he will feel good about himself and feel safe in the world.
Easy to read, parents will benefit from Mill's expert advice and heart-felt understanding of the concerns of modern parents. All points are illustrated with cartoons and real life stories from Renee Mill's psychology practice. She also gives practical exercises for parents to instigate immediate change.